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Miscarriage: Love and loss 17 years later

My annual post in remembrance of the baby I never got to meet:

For the past few days I’ve been looking at the numbers on the calendar, growing more and more introspective as we inched closer to August 6. It was 17 years ago today that I learned the baby I was carrying, my second baby, had died 11 weeks into my pregnancy.

With a mother’s intuition, I had known something was wrong during that pregnancy from a couple of weeks before. The day Dennis and I — with Noah in tow — went to the midwife for my regular check up, I didn’t even take the little tape recorder with me to capture the sound of baby’s heartbeat, so convinced was I that I would hear only silence. I went back for the recorder only after Dennis insisted. But somehow I knew. Because when you are a mother sometimes you just know things about your children, even when there is no logical reason you should, even when they are still growing inside you.

When we went for the ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage, we saw the perfect form of our baby up on the screen. I remember Dennis looking so happy, thinking everything was okay after all, and me pointing out that the heart was still. No blinking blip. No more life.

With that same mother’s intuition, no matter how busy or stressed I am, no matter how many other things I seem to forget as I drive my other three children to and fro, I never forget this anniversary. It is imprinted on my heart. As the date nears, I feel a stillness settling in, a quiet place amid the chaos, a space reserved just for this baby, the one I never to got hold, the one I call Grace.

In the past, I have talked about the ways Grace shaped our family by her absence rather than her presence, and that truth remains with me. I am very much aware of the fact that life would be very different had she lived. She managed to leave her mark on us, even without taking a breath. She lingers here, not only in my heart but around the edges of our lives — especially the lives of our two girls who followed her. I know them because I did not know Grace. What a sorrowful and yet beautiful impact she had on us.

So thank you, baby, for all that you were and all that you have given us without ever setting foot on this earth. The power of one small life.

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5 Comments Post a comment
  1. Mary — beautiful, as always.

    Grace, pray for us!

    August 6, 2015
  2. Beautiful, moving, hopeful

    August 6, 2015
  3. Thanks for this. I am always glad when women share miscarriage/pregnancy loss memories — there is so much silence around it, and when you are going through it, you need a community of women who understand.

    One of my own lost pregnancies has a particularly meaningful date: we found out the baby had no heartbeat on September 15, the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows. I always remember that.

    August 8, 2015
  4. This is so beautiful. The anniversary of our loss is in early August as well, and I feel the memory and presence of that child so keenly at this time of year. I am always grateful for others’ stories of grief and remembrance. Thank you.

    August 17, 2015
  5. Amal #

    Take your time grieving , it will take time , it’s a process……
    Today I sit here & realize in a few days it would be the anniversary date of my miscarried baby I didn’t get to hold 17 years ago. tears still appear many many many years later. My little angel Impacted my life forever a blessing In disguise . After having 3 beautiful babies….. To My baby I never got to hold & will never be forgotten . ❤️

    September 29, 2016

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